Tuesday, June 29, 2004


The State of Things

The house is eerily clean. The dishes are put away. The bills are paid and ready to be mailed. I wrote an extensive if not exhaustive twelve item list for Katy. I've begun piling things to be packed. The laundry is folded. I checked the ten-day forecast for Austin. The plants have been watered. I have an hour and a half until work. I ache a bit. I am also tired. My sister called, and we talked about mom and her move. I'm not sure how I'll be able to work tonight. I'll power through, I'm sure. I've never called in sick, and I don't want to start now. Tom Brokaw is in Baghdad. Vera Katz is still mayor, even though she's getting chemo. I like cereal with dried blueberries. I wish I had some.


First you play four square, and now this?

Is it imprudent to swear off the drink again? I felt fine until I woke up this morning. I usually like being sick, but I almost started to cry I felt so miserable. My face hurt and I think I lost five pounds blowing my nose. I decided to take all the medicine I own: generic antihistamines, analgesics, claritin. I decided to get out of the house and have a healthy sandwich and a cold glass of coffee. Continued Moby Dick. I feel better, and now am set to the task of paying bills and the other requisite duties involved with getting my affairs in order before the big trip. Laundry, packing, cleaning, clearing surfaces, doing dishes, listing things to list for Katy to keep in mind while she stays here.

Yesterday was almost all fun: a trip to the river with Katy, Emily, Garth (Emily's brother), and Jordan (Emily's brother's friend); post river trip to Ole Ole for burritos. That was preceded and followed by web design. Then, four square at Camp Monday. Then, karaoke at Tennessee Red's. It went well, but perhaps I had too much to drink.

Monday, June 28, 2004


My New Joke

I made this up a few days ago.

Why did the two lesbian melons decide to have a commitment ceremony?

Because they can't elope.

Last night I dreamt about CSS, finding champagne flutes and expensive wine for customers at a wedding, and taking a sex class in a shower big enough to hold four people in towels comfortably: me, the instructors, and the pesto guy.

Sunday, June 27, 2004


Blue Eyes? Green Eyes? Grey Eyes?

I've had about enough of web authoring for today. But I did get a cute tank (cute tanks always make me think of Marian) with little birds hopping about. And I found a necklace for Katy Awesome, since, according to this thing I did, she is my Lucky Star.

The more I think about it, and the more it becomes an actuality, this whole mobile recording studio idea makes me happy. Animal Kingdom Recording. I like it. I like being involved, I like my partners, I like the business side of things, I like the possibility of doing something I enjoy and maybe making some money from it. Challenges and new things to learn.

I'm getting ready to go to Austin. An absence of seven days requires a lot of planning. Cats, for one, cannot be left alone for that long. What am I going to wear? And then, a creation-vacation. Although work is work, it mostly seems like a big distraction from the other things in my life. When work becomes my main focus, that's when I know I need to re-evaluate. Why? Because although it's perfect for a lot of people, I don't want to be a professional server forever. Ooh, snap.

I lit a fire-starter match tonight because I wanted to smoke, and I don't have any matches or a lighter. I took some photos of it with my camera phone. They're pretty.

Saturday, June 26, 2004


2GQ Party

Volunteered tonight at the 2GQ 'zine release party at Ground Kontrol. It was medium to low. Loud annoying music. Lots of dorky men--and quite a few men dressed like Spanish pirates. Two people in gorilla suits. Two hours of my life that I'll never get back. Shauna and I went to a thai restaurant afterwards. That was delicious. I want to sleep.


I'm Tough!

The first time I did the market by myself, I thought that I'd never make it. So many heavy things to move around, so much sampling to do, so many people to talk to. Now, it's a piece of cake. Ha! That's funny. I sell pieces of cake! I'm also getting super buff arms. I've taken to doing yoga while I'm standing there; variations on the tree pose and the crane are my favorites. Sales are picking up, too. Although I must admit that I have a bad attitude most of the time. This morning was great, though. I was chipper. Averyl visited and was traded raspberries for blueberries. Paula gave me some turnips, and she gave me a little orange flower for the monkey. Dawn, the oyster lady, cut herself, and I used my Red Cross first aid skills to bandage her up. That said, I'm glad that I have a week off from it.

What I really like about market is the trading. There's something really wholesome about trading things instead of paying for them. But now I need to lie down.



Every Saturday morning, damn cats wake me up after a night of fitful sleep. It's like I'm totally psyching myself out.

But I do think I've just had my best egg-in-the-hole ever. Runny yolk, but stable otherwise, with a bit of cheese and half an avocado. I'm thinking about all the egg breakfasts I've shared with my housemates over the years, and how those women are invariably better at making eggs than I am.

Friday, June 25, 2004


Make out! Make out! Make out!

At Haven, these two young women came in, and I thought, they must be lesbians, and one of them went up to the other as I was sitting in my chair, reading Moby Dick (still), and in my head I started chanting: Make out! Make out! Make out! And you know what, they did!

Thursday, June 24, 2004


Laundry again

I got a call from work. Simon offered me fifty bucks and shift drinks for a week if I washed dishes for him tonight. I said, why? And he said that he was up too late partying and felt like shit. I said, no, sorry, no can do. I don't usually say no, but I'm working so much this week, and I'm on call. Really, I didn't want to do it. But it feels good to say no sometimes. Usually I say yes, or I just remain silent for a while. If he had been sick or something I probably would've said yes.

I decided to clean out my closet and get rid of all the clothes I don't wear. It's a big pile--actually it's two piles: one of stuff to donate and the other of stuff to alter. It's time to make clothes real pretty, I think. I'm washing my big pillow right now because I haven't done that in years. I think it might have some bad juu-juu.

My hair is getting so long that I almost always put it up. That's what happens when my hair gets to be a certain length. I don't particularly enjoy having long hair, but I am in no mood to chop it off. I like it right now, and that's usually when I decide to go get a haircut. It's part of not being able to leave good enough alone.

We talked about leftovers last night. Leftover pain, unprocessed feelings, the kind of thing that gets put in a white box in the fridge and stays there for a long time. The kind of thing that you have to deal with eventually. But you never know when you're going to have to clean out the fridge. And after you do, it looks eerily empty, like it's someone else's fridge.

I feel media saturated right now. Television is filled with portrayals of people with mediocre dreams.



Came out to the front porch to do some peaceful blogging, but then out come the neighbors, talking about meth and the Rose Festival. Ah, tranquility. I just came back from my first ever double-feature: The Stepford Wives and Dodgeball. I felt ripped off by the first movie so I felt OK sneaking into the second. Plus, I've been feeling mighty anti-social lately. I don't know if it's the hormones or what, but I just feel irritable. The highlights: Bette Midler and Chuck Norris.

I went shopping today, too, on Alberta and Broadway. Got a hella cute swimsuit and a short red skirt. I haven't been shopping since before Lindsay left. I felt decadent. I topped off a perfect day with a trip to Wendy's. The results: medium satisfaction. I think that I should either go out and party or put on my PJs and clean. There's a lot of mail to sort through, bills to pay, laundry to fold.

I get this eerie feeling that I'm losing a lot of friends due to my crankiness and general misanthropy. Go figure.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004


Me and the Cats

I napped. I made some crap pasta sauce with too-old mushrooms. I threw out the pasta sauce. I ate the pasta with pesto. The washer and dryer are gurgling and humming. I think I'm going to go back to bed.


From the Farmers Market

this is an audio post - click to play

Tuesday, June 22, 2004


What did you do today?

I'm wasting my life.


Traveled Through Air

I think I may have written my first song for our album. It's about the baby bird that I found a few weeks ago. So, since this is just a scratch recording, please don't mind the scratchy sounds.

Monday, June 21, 2004


Bloody Monday

On the back porch, because it's cool out here and because I can. Worked a private event with Greg tonight, got to make espresso drinks and force mini pastries down middle-aged women's throats. Also got to wash dishes, which was nice. Then we went to Muu-Muu's and ate some din-din. We talked about opening a portable recording studio, what it would take, what we would charge, what we would do. I'm all for starting up a small business, doing the paperwork. I think as a talent pool we'd be pretty strong.

There's something promising in the air tonight, a nice rosy glow from the light pollution, a cool breeze. Do you ever imagine what your childhood self would think about your current life? Sometimes, when I'm feeling a bit unsure about what steps to take next, I try to consult the little kid that I used to be, to see what she would think. But then again, I don't know if she'd even begin to understand what I'm doing.

I don't think she'd know where Oregon is, for one.

I want to do good and meaningful things. Only, what is good and meaningful?


Shopping and Salad

I know I'm going to have to take another shower today before I go into work. I made raspberry iced tea from scratch today. I bought some pants. It's Melinda's 24th Birthday. Tomorrow is Katy Awesome's 25th Birthday. The clock said it was 94 degrees. I'm on my way to temporary infertility. I make my own salad dressing because I don't like the stuff in bottles. Indeed, indeed. Girl seeks guidance. That would be a good band name?

Sunday, June 20, 2004



I'm at Haven with Shauna, working on 2GQ stuff. I get to do fun things like correct grammar and send emails like this to my editrix: "Are we italicizing book titles or are we not? What about album titles?" Also, maybe you noticed, I changed my template again. This one I like. I also put up a new song, at the very bottom of the links/archive/etc. list. I might move it. It's a cover of "Ain't No Sunshine" that I made for Lindsay before she left. I used a sample of my cat purring in it. Now, that's rockstar in training type stuff. I'd like to know what you think about the template, the song, the life.

Saturday, June 19, 2004



In the interest of fairness, I thought I should let you know the songs that I've purchase over iTunes in the past few days.

"Don't Walk Away" Jade. This song starts with the band's answering machine message. So 1993 that I could hurt myself.

"Take a Chance on Me" ABBA. One of my favorite in the van moments (remember the maroon Mini Van that Marian and Amanda sported?) was when we all sat in the van, waiting for something, seeing how fast we could say "Take a chance, Take a chance, Take a chance" without flubbing it. Try it. It is not easy. I think you need to be Swedish.

"Amie" Pure Prairie League. Um, obvious. MY name is Amy.

"Hungry Heart" Bruce Springsteen. This one . . . I don't know, I guess I'm in a Bruce kick.

"You Are So Beautiful" Joe Cocker. I've been listening to the Lite Rock station (103.3) like crazy.

Mandy Barry Manilow. For some reason I always get this song confused with "Brandy, you're a fine girl, what a good wife you would be/But my life, my love, and my lady is the sea." I prefer "Brandy," but Manilow has some 70s sex appeal.

"Baby Come Back" Player. This song I heard on the radio driving the Pix van, and I was all, before I recognized it, "this song is what music is about. It was kind of early in the morning.

"Reunited" Peaches & Herb. Well, again, a bit obvious.

I'm wiped. Work Friday all day and night, Saturday all day (the market moved. It was a giant poo. Giant), and then I got a call from the Red Cross, and went to a fire. I got promoted to DAT (Disaster Action Team). Isn't that hott? I got promoted because my team-leaders like me, and I like them. Then I went to this weird picnic out in Sellwood, by the awesome kiddie pool. I miss those lounge by the pool days we used to have, cutting in line at the water slide, threatening children for their water toys, underwater hand-stands.

Claire called me today. What a vagina.

Friday, June 18, 2004



Tonight was a slow meandering of work-related slowness. I had an awesome table of ladies who invited me to go bike riding and rollerskating on Wednesday. They drank dessert wines and were super-servers. We now have a hostess, Sabrina, who's really nice, and who is really competent, and who reminds me of Erin F., Chris's iggledy ex. I got off at 10, which rocks for sure. I also found out that I've been ringing alcoholic drinks in wrong for months. Oops. As the French would say, Quel dig.

Athena rediscovered the bouncy ball. Hours of endless fun, until it rolls under something.

I'm so glad to be going on vacation. It'll be nice to get out of town and change the scenery. Nice, too, to spend some Q.T. with the man. Speaking of Q.T., I have a Planned Parenthood appointment on Monday. I love that place.

I had a beer after work tonight. So much for a week without booze. I didn't drink the whole thing, though.



I've said it before, but let me say it again: I love the parts of my job which don't involve serving people at the shop. I've been terribly anti-social this week, and I think it may have something to do with only serving. When I was washing dishes more often, I had more energy to go out and party and hang out and talk to people. I even liked the serving part more. Now I've decided to change my attitude about serving. I'm going to harmlessly flirt with my customers. I'm going to have fun, no matter how busy things get. Yes!

I now have two fans in my bedroom, one pointed directly at me when I sleep, the other in the window. I broke down last night and bought some non-prescription allergy medication. I feel a lot better already. I do feel a little speedy, but that's also attributable to the mass amounts of caffeine I ingest. Coffee and iced green tea. I love the green tea because I make it everyday, and it smells like Japan. I also think that it's good for me, like some sort of health drink. I made myself a scramble before work this morning with smoked salmon, spinach, and cheese. I've been eating large bowls of salad everyday, making my own dressing: mustard, balsamic vinegar, and olive oil. I dreamt about my tomato plant last night.

Thursday, June 17, 2004


Airport EXTREME!

So I went to Best Buy today after seeing Saved! and impulse bought a wireless router. I'd gone in to buy CDRs, but the routers were on display, and they were cheap, and I had just about had it with not being able to blog upstairs, or to look up lyrics while I'm recording, or to check my email in the bathroom. I'm going to experiment soon just how far I can go. Porn in the backyard?

Wednesday, June 16, 2004


It's really hot here

I feel like I've come to some sort of equilibrium about work, like water off of a duck's back slide all the trials and tribulations that come my way. I got a raise, too! Fifteen cents an hour more. It never occurred to me to ask for a raise.

I've been fantasizing about playing shows again. I think that if I found some guitar pedals or built some sort of effects board to run my vocals through, I'd be pretty psyched to perform. But then come all the worries: will anybody like it? Will they have fun?

Whatever. As long as I make mad cheddar, I'm cool.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004



Was all for naught? The lamb turned out medium. Well, pooh on that I say. I also made this cherry and tomato sauce with balsamic vinegar, and that's OK, but what to serve it with? I found a flight to Austin, rather, Chris did, and so I'm going from the 30th of June to the 7th of July. That's a reasonable amount of time to be gone, right? I feel strange and unsettled, like I can only half make plans, or only plan half of a meal. Here's the meat, here's the dessert sauce, but where are the vegetables? What's for dessert?

Monday, June 14, 2004



Since I returned home from the Beer and Cheese Tasting at work run by the Axis Supper Club, I've searched for flights to Austin non-stop. It's so frustrating, especially because I think that it's always good to save money when you can, but it's a bit beyond my mental functioning right now to figure out if I'm really going to save money if I miss X days of work at a discount of Y dollars. Plus, I have a voucher for Southwest, which would make any flight with them supper cheap, but I wouldn't be saving the money. It's just money that I've already spent. And then I try to figure out how much time I'd like to spend there. Considering that I usually turn into a grumpy granny when I travel, would it even be worth it?

Last night, lying in bed, I decided that I should stop drinking for a while. That was a good plan until I got the offer to eat cheese and drink beer for free. Oh, the mind is willing, but the flesh is weak. But I think that I'm going to make an effort to not drink for a while. It coincides nicely with being on-call for the Red Cross this week.

There's so much to say, but I'm too tired and achey right now.


The New Clean Amy Act

This afternoon I went to a bar up in way the f North Portland called U&I and saw At Dusk play. Best show they've done that I've seen, sound-wise. Then, hung out at the Hedge House with John and Shauna's new girlf Rachel, who's really cool and talkative and friendly. Now I'm marinating a leg of lamb in red wine, soy sauce, balsamic vinegar, lavender, peppermint, garlic, bay leaves, and maple syrup. I'm going to roast it tomorrow. I guess it might be better to let it soak until Tuesday. I've been really into tea lately. Right now: peppermint, the same stuff that's with the lamb.

I received many interesting phone calls today. Chris (he called me then I called him later), Amanda Lucier, who handed me over to Ben S. who's coming down tomorrow, and George, the Soda guy from the farmer's market. Simon, the new dishwasher, gave George my number. Bad move, Simon. But, it's cool that maybe I'll get to hang out with George. I'm medium creeped out. Less than medium, even.

I'm trying to keep up this new clean Amy act, sweeping the kitchen and putting my laundry away. I don't want things to get out of control, as they often do. An ounce of prevention dot dot dot. Did you know that in my head I say "dot dot dot" instead of "ellipses"?

Sunday, June 13, 2004

this is an audio post - click to play

this is an audio post - click to play

Saturday, June 12, 2004


I started the crossword puzzle

I'm perhaps a little bit burnt out right now. I stayed up really late talking to Chris. It was nice, it was cozy. I don't count on getting a full night's sleep before the farmers' market anyway. I'm usually too wound up to go to bed after working at the shop.

I ate a lot at work today: a not so yummy breakfast wrap, a very much yummy sausage, a nectarine, a bottle of Coke, and some toast. Then I ate half of a salmon sandwich that I had cut open as a display. What I like about the Market, mainly, is interacting with the other vendors.

  • Read about George and Paula, my neighbors
  • I think I'm going to nap a bit before I embark on a Saturday of fun. It promises.

    Friday, June 11, 2004

    this is an audio post - click to play


    Like a Drug

    Okay folks, I put up a new song. This one isn't a cover. Chris did all the mixing and good stuff to it. I have two hours before work. What a poo.

    Thursday, June 10, 2004


    "You don't eat?"

    So, this week I have this interesting Free Will horoscope:
  • I'm a Pisces!
  • I just got back from driving Jason and his girlf Katrina to her mother's house. We went to dinner at Than Thao, and the waitress asked me, "You don't eat?" I had already gone to La Parilla for a soft tostada. Then we went to see a free movie at Cinema 21 called The Cockettes where we ran into Douglas and Lisa. I felt, well, bizarre, and a bit on the spot. It was a fifth wheel type of moment, at least in the not having a partner at the movie with me. I started thinking about couples, and about how certain people match really well with other people. Um, that was eloquent.

    I've been thinking about purpose a lot lately. Mainly, my purpose. I'm feeling a lot more like I want to be very average, boring, unnoticed. Aren't we all supposed to want to be rockstars? I also feel really uncomfortable about being seen as a musician or a writer or whatever. I don't mind doing those things, but I don't really want to be those things, not to other people.

    The reason I linked to the horoscope is because it suggests that the kitchen table is where I should be focusing my attention. The kitchen is where you let only your most intimate relations and friends. To me, I think this is about a narrowing of scope. I feel like I'm in danger of going to far out on a limb--forgetting my roots, if you will. There's always in me these two competing urges: retract into myself and what I'm comfortable with; meet new people, do new things. Right now I'm in a retract phase. These phases are a bit scary because I fear that I'll never leave. But do I need to?


    Bird and Song

    Two things. I wrote about my experience with a bird today on my moblog (see link "My Camera Phone"). I figured out how to post MP3s (look over to the right, right below the profile link).

    Moby Dick is exceeding all my expectations so far. Who knew?

    Wednesday, June 09, 2004


    I met myself twice today

    In my dream, I was standing in front of a classroom of small children. Up front, there was this young blonde girl with pig-tails and rainbows. I said to one of my friends, "Hey, that's me." I pulled my young self up and started talking to her. "See this book," I said. "One day you're going to read this book." It was a children's book, in French and English. She seemed a bit recalcitrant, indignant maybe. I like the young me. She was wary of the world, independent, a strong little presence. Polite, too, as I could feel myself being a bit of an imposition to her. How often do you get to meet your past self?

    Speaking of, I re-read one of my old journals from my trip in Europe with mom. I was at the beginning of a rather long fascination with my old high school chum Ben K. I also had my life figured out. I had written down two, maybe three goals. One: be creative, make music with Chris and Claire. Two: make others happy. Three: have a child. So it seems that that Amy had goals. I wonder, did kindergarten Amy have goals, too? What were they? Most likely: be an international double agent princess rock star; and, learn how to read. Some goals we meet.

    Last night I dreamt I met myself in kindergarten.


    The Grand Switcheroo

    I feel less like the headless horseman right now. The lead singer from Everclear was one of my customers tonight. Not that I care about Everclear, but I don't think I've ever had a customer who was famous before. I've had the guy who owns Stumptown--he's sort of famous--and the waitress from Genie's--not famous, but to me a bit. And he was a good tipper! Yee haw! Unfortunately, we had the rush from hell tonight. Two tables of eight people and each of them wanted a special coffee drink. Um, do they think that we have tiny little helper elves at the espresso machine, ready and waiting to froth milk (skim and regular) and pull decaf shots? Because we don't. But, on second thought, that would be cute and so convenient.

    Oh, yeah, about the template. Big dig. I accidentally switched it, and lost all of the links. Super poo. I'll put them back up soon. I'm not thrilled with the template, either. I much preferred the old one. What can you do?

    While on the phone with Chris today at Wild Oats I knocked over a basket of cornbread. I felt like one of those women on their cell phones at the grocery store, yak yak yaking away and not paying any attention to her surroundings. I despise those women, and now I am one. Isn't that some sort of Confucian saying? Along the lines of Every woman becomes her mother? At least I think my mom is awesome!

    Tuesday, June 08, 2004



    Lately I've been feeling rather distant from most everyone and everything. Also, a bit of unease about my place in the world. I think it's because I sense my place in the world shifting ever so slightly, like being in a tiny earthquake and not knowing it. The center shifts. I feel like I don't quite fit in the way I used to. My response to this has been to be extremely friendly to strangers, people I pass on the street, customers, and a bit cooler to people I know. It's by no means intentional, but I notice it when it's happening. Ah, well.

    Last night I had a dream that I haven't had in a long time--the setting was familiar, a train station, in Manhattan and sort of in France. A combo pack. I was pregnant--very--and trying to get home to my dad's house. My brother in law was trying to stop me, he was upset that I was pregnant. My dad was in it. I kept changing locations from Connecticut to Long Island to Manhattan to France.

    It was one of those dreams that I woke up part-way through and went back to sleep to keep on going. Katy said that when you dream of being pregnant it means that some change in your body is going to happen.

    On a happier note, I have a very good mix of "I'm on Fire" now. About time.

    Monday, June 07, 2004


    Tearful, etc.

    Lachrymose. I finally looked it up.

    I'm not sure why I'm postponing my bed-time. I'm a little bit scared of going upstairs again. I want to leave town. I finished "I'm on Fire," or at least a passable mix of it. The main vocals are too low, I think. But they were on the loud side before the mix-down. I drove over to Greg's house to pick up my mics. Now the Audix doesn't work anymore. It was a bit shitty anyway.

    A large part of me is scared: what if everything works out?

    Sunday, June 06, 2004


    The Impossible Dream

    I'm listening to a Juana Molina CD Greg let me burn yesterday, that we first heard a few weeks ago on a Fresh Air interview with David Byrne. I feel like Don Quixote, hearing things that I want to make and trying to get there, but they're imagined and sonic and not tangible. How much can one do on one's own? I think I need to smash a personal myth. Mainly it's pride and insistence on self-sufficiency, but I feel like great art most come from the individual depth. But I can't do everything all by myself. There's a reason that the one-man band never really made it. Watching someone try to do everything for himself is more funny and sad than it is beautiful.

    Friday, June 04, 2004


    How much eye makeup is too much eye makeup?

    The eternal question. I wore my hair in pig-tails for the first time tonight. I tried to tart up my otherwise not tarty look with a gallon of eyeliner. Today was the first day in a long time when the Twins were not on display at work. The verdict: not as much in tips. It was also slow, and I was happy not to take tables, but I believe that the Twins may have some effect on my income. The inside of my head is itchy, inside my ears, the roof of my mouth, and my nostrils. I know that it will go away, but it's rather annoying.

    I've embarked on a new cover: "I'm on Fire" a la Bruce Springsteen and Johnny Cash. I thought that it might make a good dance song. So far, not so much. I'm having a lot of fun using the Malstrom Graintable Synth on Reason. I restricted my time, so as not to get lost in the murk of synth tweaking.

    I'm adjusting well to my new-found alone-ness. I think. I have to be careful not to get too adjusted. I have a tendency to avoid people if I can, although I like people (sometimes). I'm not good at developing new relationships except by happenstance. For example, I meet people at the Hedge House all the time, and I think I'm making friends there. But would I ever go out with them? Nope. Would I go to their house for dinner? Nope. Then there's the contingent of old friends that I never see. Why don't I see them? Because they're not at my house. I must either work at going out with people or convincing them to come over. And then, there's the few people whom I don't know all that well whom I really like but whom I never see. I don't know what to do with those people. Weenie roast?


    Not Enough for a Large

    Do we ever regret a change in perspective? As in, when our knowledge of certain things expands, and the timbre of our outlook shifts. I'm rarely upset by a change of perspective that shifts my present, but when I re-examine the past by the new light, that's when I find the whole thing disturbing. I'm speaking of, specifically, people. And not of the good that people are capable of, and not of the intimacy that is possible, but of the disappointments that accumulate. The moments when there's no going back, and we're forced to keep going on with our new knowledge. I think of these as loss of faith moments. But maybe it would be better to call them loss of childish faith moments. Because it seems that when childish faith is lost, perspective is gained.

    Then again, I'm constantly reviewing my present in light of my past, and my own literal loss of faith in the Catholic Church, and more specifically in her worldly liaisons. What perspective did I gain from that, though? My opinions, my intellectual opinions, about the episode have changed much over the years, but not my gut response.

    Will life be forever a process of separating the wheat from the chaff?

    Wednesday, June 02, 2004


    A day off, house cleaning

    Just because I can tolerate a high level of living filth, that doesn't mean that I don't love to clean. I found out that I'm not washing dishes tonight, so I'm cleaning the house today. There's a lot to be done, there's a lot of rotting fruits lazing about, a lot of mail to be sorted through, and an army of dust bunnies occupying the house. I have NPR on, so I'm making analogies between world events and my little cleaning spree. Dust bunnies are like the American army, and this is my Iraq.

    Music has been on my mind lately. I'm ready to move on, to collaborate, to make more dance music, to dance more. Thing is, when I think about performing, I get all nervous. How can I possibly translate what I do alone at night to a performance. Different animals, for sure. And of course the even bigger question: will anybody care to listen? I'm accustomed to creating in a vacuum, that's my way, but having to think about what other people will like, that scares me. OK, yes, I'm doing it for myself, of course, but then what's the point? It's the age old "if a tree falls and nobody's around to hear it" problem.

    U Penn sent me my rejection letter, finally. The book is closed, but not really, not yet, because I'm meeting with my old thesis adviser tomorrow to get acquainted with her son so that I can babysit him when she gives birth in July. I don't have any definite goals, and I'm embarrassed by it. She's going to ask me what I'm going to do in the future. How can I say to an academic that I don't think that academia matters, not to me any more. My mind will change, I'm sure, but in what direction? I don't want to serve people for the rest of my life, but what do I want to do? Is this just a typical mid-twenties crisis? Oh, my friends with goals, how I envy you.

    I'm can feel it coming on: the sore throat, the aches, the sniffles, the tummy pains, the almost passing out in Fred Meyers. Yes, I think that it's coming at me. The FLU. I have to wonder if this is just psychosomatic or if it's real. It feels real. Yup. There it is. I don't think I'll be washing dishes tomorrow night. I think I'll be here, moping.

    Tuesday, June 01, 2004


    United Promised Togas on It's New York- Rome Run

    I'm at Tiny's with Katy and Shauna. We're all sitting on the red couch, two laptops and a magazine. Claire called this morning, woke my ass up, and we talked, just like old times. The amount of travel that I want to do this summer is astounding. (I've decided to use 'astounding' in every entry I can this week. I think it's a dramatic word. It adds insta-glamour to my blog lifestyle.) I told my mom that we could drive her Jeep cross-country so she doesn't have to ship it. I want to visit Claire in SF, and Austin, of course.

    Shauna and I went to the Aalto lounge last night, the new upper-crust hipster hang out. I like that they have sparkling white wine and scotch. I made this gay guy try my Macallan's 12 year. I almost had to pinch his nose to get him to put it in his mouth. He liked it, though. I think that the only reason he tried it was because he thought I looked really put together. He said as much.

    I watched the first season of The Office yesterday. Katy, who appreciates the Brit Coms as much as I do (if not more) really enjoyed it. Shauna and I found it mostly creepy, but also very funny.

    I saw my ex girlf Danielle at the Reel M'Inn the other night. We ignore each other almost as if we're complete strangers. It's bizarre to me that there are so many people in this town whom I have to ignore. The funny thing is that those people are now bigger fish in this small pond than they used to be. It looks like becoming a bigger fish takes a few things. One, some talent. Two (and this is the big one), a whole lotta drive. Part of it is a desire to be a part of an artistic community. I think that if people didn't make me feel uncomfortable most of the time, I'd be a lot better at networking.


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