Chris has been teasing me about my unemployment, sending me links to articles about early retirement, asking me what my plans are for my retirement, etc. Today is only my second day not working (hello, this is like a WEEKEND). So far, I've managed (it's fun to use that word) to run some errands, hang out with Marissa and Inanana (we got cheese pizza), watch The Vicar of Dibley and Born into Brothels, read some books, look at pictures of someone else's life on the internet, go grocery shopping, think about making muffins, think about taking a walk (but it will not stop raining). It can be difficult to be partnered with someone who does so much all of the time.
I've been thinking about setting some goals for myself. I'm sure I'll get around to it.
I've been bitten by the bed bound lazy bug lately. It's gray and drizzling outside, and it's two pm and I'm still in bed. I've been awake since ten before Chris left, but my guns, as it were, have been stuck to.
I've been bittten by the book bug as well. I'm on my second book in three days. I used to, honestly, read all the time, never stop reading, and I'm feeling the trap again, the lure of hiding in a world someone else made up but you're building. I love reading and "On Beauty" was amazing, and "Prep" is almost too narcissistic for my liking. (If you want to know what boarding school was like, for whatever reason, this is pretty good. I've been thinking about school and about my friends from back then.) "On Beauty" made me depressed because it made me think about how unloyal people can be (men, especially) not always because they're mean spirited or selfish, but because they're weak and susceptible to moments and moods and others. There are all types of infidelity.
So, the big news is that I've decided to leave my job. It was not, honestly, a good job for me. Not a good fit. And, here's the truth of it, it made me miserable. For many reasons. I'm terrified, though, because I've had this job, worked for this company, for over two years, and some of my closest friends, some of my favorite people, work there, and I imagine, will continue to work there. Whereas I will be . . . somewhere else?
I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'd like to spend some time with my friends and visit my family. I bought a sketchbook on sale at an art store on Burnside, and I think I'll start carrying it around with me. Plan the wedding. Paint again, practise piano, clean the bathrooms. I feel unmoored and uncertain, but I'm begining to feel like I'm going to be happy again.
It seems silly to focus on happiness, to me, because there are so many more noble things to focus on. Hard work, helping others, whatever. Above all, it seems selfish and bespeaks of a weakness of character to be primarily concerned about happiness. But here I am, remembering this letter my Dad wrote me freshman year of college, and he signed off "Be HAPPY! Love, DAD" (there was a smiley face in the triangle of the upper case "A" in DAD). And, as happens, I suspect, to things that people write or do soon before they die (especially if it is an unexpected death), this letter has become a strange beacon in my life. No matter what my feeling towards my father and his parenting, this one letter, and really, just how he ended it, is something I think about a lot. (It seemed to me that Dad was not very concerned with happiness when I was growing up, it seemed. He was more concerned that I do well in school, that I stick things out even if I hate them, he was mostly concerned with character. Mom, however, encouraged me to follow my happiness.) I think about "Be HAPPY!" and wonder, deep down, if it's possible. But, I also know that I'm going to have to do it. Because "Be HAPPY!" doesn't mean "Cheer up!" or "Look on the bright side for once!" It means "Seek out your joy, don't just let life happen to you , do something!" At least, I think that's what it means.
I have a weird little headache today, making it painful to move my head to quickly, or to focus on anything for too long.
I am looking forward to a few things in the next few months: Marian visiting for my birthday; a Reality Party that we're going to have here; Lindsay visiting in March; Marissa and Inanana moving in (Inanana is almost 2, Marissa is almost 29); adopting a puppy!
Our trip to Austin was very relaxing. It was pretty typical of a vacation, where at the end you're pretty tired of being on vacation.
I made this juice yesterday: tomatoes, ginger, garlic, celery, turnips, parsley, and carrot. It was very tough to drink because it was so bitter. Chris told me that I should only use three ingredients until I've mastered all of the types of juice, then I can move on. I think that's pretty wise. So I bought a juicing book at the grocery store. It's glossy with pretty pictures and it's easy to use. It lists ingredients by weight, which is great because I have a kitchen scale now. There was a recipe for juice that I liked, so I made it. I didn't have any pommegranite seeds so I used a pear instead. It was 4 oz cucumber, 8 oz kiwi, 10 oz (one small) pear. Really good, and a delicious green color.
I've spent the better part of the past two days cleaning the house and moving furniture. When Chris finished working last night he cleaned up the front room, and I even went in there today to pet Sappho. I moved the "master" bedroom into the "TV" room. It's relaxing. The colors are soothing, and there's not as much stuff. All of our clothes are staying in the other room for now. This room is smaller, brighter, and quieter. The kitties are sitting in here with me--there's some lovely afternoon sun--while I type in my chair with my juice. I put the kitty bed on the bottom shelf of one of those corner shelves from Ikea, and Sappho loves it there.
actually not so much, but in the morning Chris and I are going south, to the SOUTH, to Austin, Texas. We have not yet packed, but we have a ride to the airport, and I finished all of our laundry, and got a haircut.
I always get nervous that the flight will be the end of me. Terrible scary fear of a crash or whatnot. It's usually fine, but I always go around thinking: This may be the last time I (fill in blank). Depressing.
Good news: I feel much better about my job, and Amanda is booking a room for the wedding.
I am hungry!
And, if I don't make it back, remember me fondly, and know that I probably love you a lot.
I've been extra busy at work, because in the past three days three people have some down with the flu, or something like it. The upside is that I've made more money, the downside is that I have a lot of catching up to do before Chris and I go to Texas.
Greg and Chris spent some time yesterday working on the wedding, much like it was another programming project: good thing. Then, when I came home from work, Chris was in the basement, cleaning it. CLEANING THE BASEMENT! It takes so little to make me happy.
Also, for Christmas, I got myself something I've wanted since first seeing the infomercial when I was ten. A juicer! I've used it so many times, and I love it. Juice is the best.
The cats are spread out on the bed, one on either side of Chris's legs, and last night Chris slept diagonally across the bed, leaving me almost no room.