PickledCherub

It's getting so that I'm not ravenous. Did I mention I stopped gaining weight? I imagined that I'd gain weight forever, but one day my hunger was gone. I have to remind myself to eat now.

We moved the dogs to their new sleeping area last night. They are in the hallway between the bed and the bathroom, behind a baby gate. I thought they'd cry or at least seem upset about not being able to sleep on the bed with us, but they handled it really well. It was hard that every time I got up to pee they got all excited about maybe being released.

I finished packing the birth bag this morning. Clothes for me, Chris and baby, some diapers, toothbrush and toothpaste. We need to add the cameras to it too.

She could come any day. Last night in bed I felt kind of afraid of labor, specifically of Transition. Afraid of being out of control. And that's not something I've been worried about. But last night for ten minutes I was really freaked out about it. I think these little freak outs are good for me. It's good to let the fears surface, and to examine them, and to let them go.

I'm getting all of these life skills out of this pregnancy and the impending parenthood. I'm learning to state my needs clearly. Which means, a lot of the time, learning to say no to people. Or at least to say "not now." I'm learning not to run away from fear.

Deciding to have a natural childbirth has been for me a way to face fears and to conquer them. It's so much easier in a way to say "I'm going to take the drugs, I don't want to feel anything, I want to be as uninvolved as possible, you do it, Doc." I understand that, I really do. The illusion of control that a hospital birth, with pain relievers and labor enhancers offers is appealing, but it is just an illusion. Birth is not something that can be controlled. (Unless it's a scheduled c-section.) It's this lack of control that freaked me out last night. When labor starts is not up to me.

But I believe that I can do this thing, and that my body was made to do it.

I'm officially full term as of two days ago, and in the past week I feel like my body, this pregnancy, has completely changed. Physically, my face has filled out, although I haven't gained any weight. I woke up on Wednesday with stretch marks on my formerly smooth abdomen. I'm slightly puffier all over. And the baby, she feels huge. She feels like a little person with bones and limbs and toes. I'm not as ravenously hungry as I was two weeks ago. In fact, I'm less hungry now than before I was pregnant. Emotionally I'm different too. I don't like it when Chris is not around. I'm organizing things, cleaning. But not in a grumpy way. I was freaked out about our house not being ready, but now I'm a lot calmer. And, surprisingly enough, I have a ton of sexual energy. Sure, I can't really move that well, but I feel like I'm 18 all over again.

We still don't have a name. We don't have any part of a name, actually. We don't know what last name to use, or if we should create a hybrid last name.

I've been having trouble staying hydrated, which is crazy. I drink so much water, but I'm not getting enough salt. I started putting salt in my hot chocolate last night. It's super yummy. I drank a whole bottle of an organic electrolyte drink yesterday.

We still haven't packed our birth bag, or installed the car seat.

And then there's going to be a point when the pregnancy is over, and the parenting begins.

I'm 33 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Which means I'm pretty close to giving birth, or at least to the opening of the window of when I can safely give birth at home or the birth center. And since we just moved a week ago, the house is not really ready. We're half moved in. There are boxes half unpacked in the kitchen and Chris's office is a pile of things with nowhere to go. We don't have anything but a few blankets and some clothes for the baby, and the infant car seat Marian and Katy got us. I ordered some diapers this morning and that made me feel better. We're going the cloth diaper route.

The little one is thumping around inside me and Chris is taking a shower. The dogs are splayed out across my maternity pillow at the foot of the bed. I love our new house. It's on the East Bay Trail, so there's always birds chirping and waves gently crashing and little mammals that look like squirrels popping out from between the rocks.

I want to give birth here. It feels so peaceful. But I have a few worries about it. One, there is a train that cuts off the peninsula we live on. If we needed to transport to the hospital for whatever reason and the train were there . . . it could be a while before we could get through. Unless we played pregnant hobo and jumped the train. Two, I worry about the midwives not being comfortable here, or there being another birth at the same time and they need to go to the center. I don't want to be selfish, I guess. The birth center is lovely, it's beautiful, it has a giant bathtub and lots of great things to recommend it, but I couldn't really go outside. And, the drive from here to there while in labor seems like it would be stressful or distracting. Three, we'd have to pack food to bring, in addition to everything else. For some reason, the catering of the birth is one of my big concerns.

It's not like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm stuck between two very nice soft places.

For the past three weeks I've been fully immersed in Pilates. I even had a dream about it. Mostly it was a video montage of all the Pilates I've been doing, in my studio here, in my studio in Seattle, at the Community Center, at Community College, in Martha's apartment, etc.

I started teaching my first class last week at the Community Center. The first hour was intensely horrifying for me. A bunch of people were at the wrong room (no fault of their own), and so we started late, and I was nervous and sweaty, and so I blabbed on about Pilates and we really hardly got through the exercises. No one wa listening to me, or understanding what I was saying, and there were a couple of people who didn't want to curl their head up because of their necks, and I was like "What am I doing wrong?! Why is this impossible?" When the hour was over, everyone seemed pretty happy and even a few people came up to me to talk about private things. It was like they didn't even notice how terrible I was!

Talking to my teachers about the experience, they all said their first class was horrible too, and that it takes a while to find your voice. My second class went much better (there were only four people, but also one toddler and one baby). It is still difficult, and yesterday I totally forgot to teach the Roll-up. The whole class felt strange to me because I knew I had left something out, but couldn't remember what.

This week I start my observation hours at the studio. I get to watch the other teacher teach. Our focus this week is . . . FEET! Observation is nice because I get to just watch and take notes. It's interesting to see which clients want to talk, and which ones keep quiet. Talking doesn't necessarily mean losing focus, but it also is a good way for a client to avoid too much exercise.

School up in Seattle has been really great so far. I love the teachers and my colleagues come from very interesting backgrounds. Plus I get to spend time with Katie and Alice. Next time I go up I'm going to try to see some other people too. But after six hours of Pilates I get kind of tired and just want to eat dinner and sit by the fire.

The wedding was great! I think I might publish my sermon on the mount, but I'm so tired right now! We have no concrete plans for our ten minutes in NYC, but hope to see the majority of friends. Chris' sister is so sweet and cute and we're in a comfy room in Park Slope.

I'll write some more when I get a chance.

I'm sitting in the Family Room in Madison. There is a lovely group of people outside but I am taking a break from the Mosquitoes!

Amanda is talking to Wylie, her lover, and I'm just trying to keep my cool. Tomorrow I marry the lovely couple, and I'm only a teeny bit nervous.

So, we're going to a wedding! Lindsay's wedding! I even wrote out a first draft of the ceremony. I've got my ducks in a row, now it's time to put them in a suitcase.

French Bingo tonight was a no-show. Just me and Emily, the manager, talking bout break ups. I had a sandwich, and refused payment. I did not do a thing, why should I get paid?

I will be back the 17th, so I guess we'll chat then!