Sunday, July 18, 2010


37 weeks, four days

It's getting so that I'm not ravenous. Did I mention I stopped gaining weight? I imagined that I'd gain weight forever, but one day my hunger was gone. I have to remind myself to eat now.

We moved the dogs to their new sleeping area last night. They are in the hallway between the bed and the bathroom, behind a baby gate. I thought they'd cry or at least seem upset about not being able to sleep on the bed with us, but they handled it really well. It was hard that every time I got up to pee they got all excited about maybe being released.

I finished packing the birth bag this morning. Clothes for me, Chris and baby, some diapers, toothbrush and toothpaste. We need to add the cameras to it too.

She could come any day. Last night in bed I felt kind of afraid of labor, specifically of Transition. Afraid of being out of control. And that's not something I've been worried about. But last night for ten minutes I was really freaked out about it. I think these little freak outs are good for me. It's good to let the fears surface, and to examine them, and to let them go.

I'm getting all of these life skills out of this pregnancy and the impending parenthood. I'm learning to state my needs clearly. Which means, a lot of the time, learning to say no to people. Or at least to say "not now." I'm learning not to run away from fear.

Deciding to have a natural childbirth has been for me a way to face fears and to conquer them. It's so much easier in a way to say "I'm going to take the drugs, I don't want to feel anything, I want to be as uninvolved as possible, you do it, Doc." I understand that, I really do. The illusion of control that a hospital birth, with pain relievers and labor enhancers offers is appealing, but it is just an illusion. Birth is not something that can be controlled. (Unless it's a scheduled c-section.) It's this lack of control that freaked me out last night. When labor starts is not up to me.

But I believe that I can do this thing, and that my body was made to do it.

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