PickledCherub

So now Steve Jobs wisened up and put podcasting into iTunes. You can subscribe to my podcast on iTunes, and it is so easy. Just search for "Amysue" in podcasts. That is awesome!

An endless cycle: move, unpack, clean, pack, clean, move. The end is nearing. It's a mandatory end.

Tonight is garbage night. We are very excited. Also, there is a barbeque, and we're going to bring bluberries. I don't have to go into work tomorrow!

I felt like, at one point this afternoon, that I would barely survive the day. I honestly felt like collapsing, crumpling up. Perhaps I was overstimulated; perhaps it was the heat. The matter of fact is that I was simply overwhelmed by work, by responsibility, and by the prospect of the next week of my life.

But, then, all at once, I walked out the front door, Chimay Red in hand, and made it over to Greg's house, Ethan fed me a bit of artichoke, Chris was on the couch, and I was about to settle down on the porch, beer and cigarette (I know, I know), and my newest Margaret Atwood novel (Oryx and Crake), in the shade, in the rocker. I read, I relaxed. I'd forgotten the effect that reading has on me, how it relaxes me, revs up part of my mind, involves me. I've not been much of a reader lately, but I grew up, literally, reading The Handmaid's Tale (also by Margaret Atwood). I read it, and read it, maybe eight or nine times when I was ten or so. My sister had read it for a college class, and passed it on to me. I read it so many times because I barely understood it, and then I sought out her other novels, and barely understood them. Probably, mainly, because I knew nothing of marriage, of lust. Not then, anyway. I was a compulsive re-reader then. I read and read everything in the house, and didn't get out much. Where was there to go, anyway?

The cats have been out while we were at Bewitched. But they're back now, purring on my outstretched legs. Chris and I saw Bewitched tonight because we wanted to see it. I like to see movies that get bad reviews. I liked it about as much as I thought I would; it ceratinly wasn't bad. There was a montage that I hated, but other than that, it was cute and sweet. It was basically on the same level as the series, intellectually, except that Will is a better Darren than either of the first two Darrens, and Nicole Kidman was good in this (except when I started paying attention to her accent, it made me sad).

It was Katy's Birthday yesterday, so I went out with her and drank too much. The acme has their own ginger beer, which was good. The house is fluctuating between almost clean to completely messed up. Athena ran away and came back. I'm up against the most stressful week at work I've ever had. But I'm kind of excited. I like a challenge.

I've been a little medium lately, struggling to get snot out of my sinuses, assembling things solo, waking up early as a bird, pulling back into myself. I'm in a strange way right now, transitioning from one house to the next, projecting ahead to my new duties, not quite up to anything. I feel like I've been too partnered off, and now I'm attempting a bit of de-partnering, a bit of alone time, of re-centering. I feel like my trust has been challenged a bit and now I'm pulling back, giving less, being quieter. Licking the proverbial wounds, if you will.

I feel, at heart, a little bit more dependent than I would like to be.

I drove to the big-box complex in Jantzen beach today. It's safer than taking drugs, but soul sucking. Sometimes it's good to have the soul sucked. A child of the mall, wandering through the mostly abandoned mall, having icky stomach in the restroom by the carrousel, sifting through curtains, wandering back and forth down the aisles, in a trance, alone, slightly ill. I ordered a matress on-line, while drunk, and cancelled it yesterday. Today I went to Mattress World, or Sleep Country (I'm not sure) and found one for cheaper. It was my last stop on the Jantzen Beach jaunt, and the store was completely empty, ghost town. How do they stay open?

My sister left a cryptic message on my voice mail a few days ago. Something about "family news"--who knows what that could mean.

I should charge up my cell phone, and drink some water.

Steve and Holly had their baby! That is awesome.