Tuesday, October 12, 2004


Mount St Helens--In my Uterus!

I just made some yummy salsa. It consists of:

One tomato
One tomatillo
One clove of garlic
One half of a yellow onion (smallish)
A tip-of-my-thumb sizes piece of purple Jalapeno (seeds removed)

all of which I put in our mini-food chopper and blended. Lindsay said it may be the best salsa she's ever tasted--and she's been to Mexico and Spain! We ate it with some blue corn tortilla chips that were old and the rest of my bag of shredded cheese. Nachos a la Amy! Buenos Dias!

I've had a lot of things happen to me since my last post. For instance, I played my first solo show in forever, using my computer and my classical guitar, and a microphone, and some dude's P.A. It was at Shuana and Katy and Emily's new apartment. The highlights of the night for me:

Katie and Sarah, my Seattle friends, drove down from Seattle to be at the party;
The P.A. was really loud, and I was really drunk;
People sang along with me to songs that I wrote, not just covers!

It was an all around succesful party, and Tiffany from 2GQ showed up, which was great/weird, because she's my Editor and I have not finished editing. John took photographs, and maybe I'll get to see them. Pretty much all the kids I wanted to be there were there. Including Marian!

The other big news is this: I have an I.U.D. now. It was probably the most painful thing of my life, so far. The first lady couldn't get the inserter in, so she called another NP in to insert it. There were many things in my vagina, many, many things:

An Extra Large Speculum
Two (2) long Cotton Swabs
A Uterus-Measuring Device
A Cervical Clamp
An I.U.D. Inserter
A Spray Gun of Anaesthic
Two (2) Ladies Hands

So, the first lady, Anne, was really nice, and was impressed that Chris was there with me. "That's almost always the sign of a good partner," she said. Anne did all the preliminary stuff, such as signing things like consent forms, and reminding me and Chris that we cannot be slutty, except with each other. She felt around for my uterus, and told me that it was backwards. That means that it's titled towards my butt instead of my bladder. Then she inserted the speculum. It's difficult to describe what that feels like, other than that it is usually cold, and a little rough. You need to take a lot of deep breaths to relax, because normally one does not have something so large inside one's vaginal canal without being aroused. She cleaned out my vagina with this spray gun and some soapy swabs. (Cue Margaret Cho in my head: "Hi, my name is Gwen, and I'm here to warsh your vagina!") Then, the "Hurricaine" numbing gel/spray. Ugh, it felt like Listerine in my coochie, I'll tell you that much.

Now, I'm all scrubbed up and numb, right? Well, Anne tells me to cough so that my cervix comes down into view. Who knew? Then, she clamps it down. That hurt a bit, not too much, but a bit. "You're going to want to take labor-like breaths, because this can cause some cramping." So I started breathing like ladies do when they have contractions, and she inserts the Uterus Measuring Device into my uterus, through my cervix. This is probably the worst pain I have ever felt. I felt like crying, throwing up, fainting, and kicking her out of my vagina. It didn't last too long, maybe a minute, but it felt like forever. The sensation was something like getting kicked in the private and having a charlie horse, too. Chris looked really concerned, so I just squeezed his hand, kept breathing, and watched the parrot mobile above my head.

"Your uterus is a perfectly normal seven (7) centimeters." That's good to know, I guess. I didn't care, though, because my uterus was very angry with me by this point. I was still in a lot of pain, even though the measuring thing was out. I really just wanted to leave at this point, but I didn't want to go through all that pain for nothing. Anne then went back in, this time with the Mirena (the brand-name of the I.U.D.) inserter. And. Couldn't. Get. It. Through. My. Cervix.

Now, it's good that I was staring at the ceiling, because Chris said the inserter was covered with blood. Anne called in Renee, who took everything out of me, and redid the entire procedure, from start to finish, with a lot less pain and in a lot less time.

It's been thirty-six hours, and my uterus is still crampy, and I have a head cold. But, at least I can't get knocked up.

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