I left work before the eleven rush, and had a beer at the Hedge House and a cookie, too, with Shauna, and now I'm on the front porch all relaxed and happy. It's nice out, cool and breezy. Simon, our dishwasher, and I decided to communicate using only song lyrics tonight. Example: I couldn't open the ice cream and I sang to him: "Open your heart to me, baby." He couldn't open it either, so I sprayed it with water and then it opened.
I have a day ahead of me tomorrow because I need to do the deposit and be around in case it gets too busy at brunch. I like this extra responsibility that I've been given. It makes me feel a certain ownership for things and how they go at work. I like that.
I feel all around good. Here's a story Lindsay told me today. The night before Noah's grandfather's memorial service, Lindsay got unexpectedly drunk. She got so drunk that she didn't remember asking Noah to marry her, not once, not twice, but a whole bunch of times. I think that Lindsay and I are in the same boat in some way. "Sometimes I just think we should get engaged and agree that this is it and that that's OK," she said. Marriage. How is it that fifty years ago getting married was completely expected of us at this age, and that it would be totally normal for us to want it. Now it feels wrong to want it. (And I'm not talking about ethical objections concerning the equitable nature of the institution.) But want it I do. I don't feel the need to get married; in fact, I don't want to get married just because I don't want to be alone.
Then again, I don't like the idea of wearing an engagement ring, or all the things that in my mind go along with that. What I want is a partnership on all sorts of levels: creative, procreative, financial, emotional, etc. I've been exposed to two marriages recently that I admire. One is Douglas and Lisa's, the other is Leila and Zachary/Carrie's. I see two distinct people, two interesting and creative people, who love each other and love being around each other and care about each other's welfare. Also, let me add Ann and Marc to that list, too. (They are a bit more traditional in that they have babies and all, but Marc is the primary caregiver.) I also don't want to be in a marriage that cuts me off from the rest of the world, or in which I am perceived as half of a whole.
The fact that I was tempted to stay in Austin, when asked (by Chris' parents and other people) why it was that I had to go back to Portland, makes me a bit uneasy. Who is this person? And here I thought I was so independent and tough. Love does strange things.