Maybe I've acquired some sort of Zen Mastery, but work has been
affecting me so little lately. My guess is that it has something to do
with the plethora of other projects in my life, things I need to do
other than wait tables.
I finished reading an article that Lindsay gave me, "Why Have There
Been No Great Women Artists?" I read it in light of my experiences in
the (Portland) Indie scene. Why, I ask myself, are there so few women
in these bands? Why are women presented as the sexy front-woman or the
sexy bass-player, but almost never the creative force? (There are
exceptions: Mirah, Sleater-Kinney et. al.) The women I encounter, the
women who hang around the boys in the bands, they seem to me little
more than pretty ornaments who maybe design clothes or knit, or make
crafts, but not musicians, not performers. A lot of why I miss Claire
(and Marian, for that matter) is that I miss having women
collaborators, women performers. I don't find myself striving to
perform, even though I love being on stage and playing music. Why do I
make all this music? Why don't I feel like I should share it with
others by performing?
I have an answer as to why I don't perform.
Wanna hear it?
Because I see the whole playing shows, booking venues, schmoozing thing
as one giant Men's Club. I'm not saying that it is, I'm saying that
that's how I see it. I feel out of place. I feel out of place because I
want to be seen as an artist on their level, but I feel awkward talking
about what I do. Awkward because a) I don't like to brag, and b) I
don't want to sound stupid.
The thing is, 99% of the time the men friends that I have who are
musicians seem genuinely interested in what I do, and are supportive
and kind and encouraging. They also seem a little bit surprised when I
talk about the kind of music I make, the kind of things I can do.
So, where's the problem?
Do you know?