Friday, April 30, 2004


Mom's 55th Birthday

I once asked Jeremy, after we had broken up, if he thought I looked better clothed or naked. "Naked," he said, "except maybe in that dress." Marian has that dress now.

I mention this because my sister's house is full of mirrors: mirrors in the bathroom, mirrors in my bedroom (their workout room), walls of mirrors. I've been looking at myself a lot. I feel like Claire in a car, with the visor always down, the mirror aimed so that she can see her own face. It's an understandable fascination. Who is this person saying these things? Who is this person desired by some and not by others? Can I see my family in my face, in my breasts, in the curve of my nose, in the color of my skin? And the reflection goes deeper than that. Watching my sister and her husband interact--which means flirt or fight, pretty much--watching my sister at the restaurant, watching my mom talk about her job interview, watching us make off-color jokes about the homeless, it's all funhouse mirrors, warped and exaggerated but maybe a bit too familiar.

Marc, the brother in-law, or rather my sister's husband, constantly interrogates me in the most aggravating way. I am not sure if he's intentionally pushing my buttons, but he's consistent. In fact, almost everything he says to me makes me angry. I take a lot of deep breaths. He said that I was being naive at work, trusting that my co-workers are tipping me out the full ten percent. I said, "Marc, we're all dishwashers sometimes."
"But how can you be sure?"
"Because I trust them, that's why. I tip out ten percent, and even more if they're super helpful or if I make a lot. And besides, what could I possibly do about it? Do you think I should count out their tips for them?"
"There's a solution."
"I don't think that you'd want to hear it."
"Oh, should I be a pharmacy technician, right?" I got really angry, but I started talking to my sister instead. And I kicked ass at Scrabble. Boy did I kick some ass.

I could spend an hour transcribing the things he said to me today. But I won't.

Mom had a job interview today. Why? Because she's moving to Philadelphia. Thank gawd she's leaving Salt Lake.

The people are cute here. It could be that they're just new and different people.

I'm excited about getting back home and collaborating with people. I am also nervous. What if, what if I make something really truly great? What if I don't?

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